How to Survive a Situationship

I was falling in love with you and I never said that to you because I was afraid you wouldn’t say it back. I traveled across the country just to spend a weekend with you and you did the same for me. You made me feel wanted and beautiful when you were thousands of miles away and there wasn’t a day that passed where you didn’t let me know I was on your mind, and that was such a new feeling for me. Before you I felt like Ii was a burden on men when I dated them, I was fun for a couple of months and then they grew bored of me, but you never left, you never said it was too much for you, and truth be told I knew it was going to end like this… with me hating myself for ending something that made me feel so good.

I denied my feelings for you for months because I knew I would get hurt, but it didn’t matter because I cried every time I had to say good bye to you. And I knew deep down you would never move to the east coast to be with me so I actually entertained the idea of picking up my life and everything I’ve ever known and moving to the west coast to be closer to you. But the crazy thing is… Everyone else that you cared about seemed more excited about me making that sacrifice, when there was only one person I wanted to see excited. My heart broke in two when you had no reaction when I said I would move to California, you stood there and said “ok” not even a smile. On my flight home I choked back tears for five hours straight overthinking your reaction, I regret nothing that I said to you that afternoon because you needed to hear it. I deserved a title for our relationship, I deserved someone to be by my side when I was my friend’s made of honor at her wedding, I deserved more than you were able to give me… and that broke me because you really are one of the kindest souls I have ever gotten to know. I saw potential in you and you made me happy but at the end of it all… you weren’t ready for what I was ready for and I cannot wait for you to be ready if you ever would be.

There hasn’t been a day still where you do not cross my mind, I’ve been wanting to text you and let you know I still care… but it wouldn’t be fair to myself. You and I both know I deserve a partner who would move mountains to love me back the same way I would have done for you. Whenever I have a bad day all I want to do is call or text you to hear your voice, I want you to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok, I miss running up to you for a kiss in busy airports even though I hate public displays of affection  I miss driving around in your truck and admiring the mountains from Huntington Beach and you grabbing for my hand as we walked down the boardwalk.

Remember when I traveled for almost twelve hours straight to be your date for that wedding? I almost missed my connecting flight and I walked in the pouring rain to get inside the airport back at home. When I was finally able to lay down and take a nap I looked up to see you smiling at me and you said “I’m just so happy that you’re here I can’t sleep”… I think about that moment often. 

Remember that next day when I finally saw you in your suit walking towards me with the other groomsmen as I stood with the other plus ones of the wedding party, you looked at me like I was the only girl there, grabbed me by my hips and said “you look so beautiful” before kissing me in front of your friends and brother… I’ll never be able to erase that memory out of my head.

I remember you dancing with me while singing love songs taking breaks to kiss my face, I remember you playing with my hair in the morning before we were ready to talk, and of course I remember you getting quiet when you knew I was leaving in the morning holding my hand like you didn’t want to let me go… that memory hurts me the most. 

Every time I think about you I can’t help myself but think if I’ve made a huge mistake. I had this guy who made me happy and did his best to try and show me how he felt, but it still wasn’t enough for me… And I am so sorry for that. I broke down every time you reached out to me trying to get some semblance of what we once were. I’m sorry I never wished you a Happy Birthday or texted you and your family on Christmas day, it was just too much for me to do right now in this point in time. Maybe one day when I’m ready I’ll each out to you and hopefully you’ll be receptive to me, but I would understand if you never want to hear from me again. 

I didn’t realize I would be this f**ked up by ending what we had. I’ve always been the girl that was broken up with, never the girl that broke up with the boy. And the more time passes by the more I realize it hurts almost as much if not more to be the one to end it. I’m sorry, I wish it ended differently for us… I miss you.