How to Survive a Situationship

Hi friends! When you grow up being heavier than the rest of your peers, you learn at a young age that you stick out and you need to work twice as hard to fit in. By the time I was eight years old I knew I wasn’t like the other kids in my third grade classroom. I had very thick, dark hair that went down my back, thick, dark brown eyebrows that met in the middle of my forehead to form a very unflattering unibrow, and a hint of dark peach fuzz that grew on my upper lip. I was a children’s 2XL in all the clothing stores other little girls got to shop at for their back to school clothes and by the time I was nine years old I switched women’s sized clothing. I’ve been the girl crying in fitting rooms staring at myself in the unflattering light and I’ve also been that girl who was sat down by pediatricians telling her that her BMI was too high and she needed to lose weight. Growing up in the early 2000’s not looking like the pop stars that every little girl idolized really tampered with my views on my body image and what I believed to be beautiful. For years I tried everything to just fit in with my peers.. and I mean everything. I exercised, stayed in a calorie deficit, at one point I straight up starved myself and still wasn’t understanding what I saw when I looked at my own reflection in the mirror. By the time I was in college and eventually nursing school my weight hit an all time high. At my heaviest I was a size 16 in jeans, an XL in tops, and I tried my best to hide myself from the world. I spent the better part of my young adult life insisting to my doctors that something was wrong, this was met with them reassuring me that nothing metabolic was wrong with me and I was pretty much over 200lbs due to nothing else than myself and my lifestyle choices so I gave up trying. I was finally coming to terms with my fate when I started seeing an acupuncturist for the crippling anxiety that nursing school gifted me when I opened up and told him about my weight issues when the most surreal thing happened; he listened and believed me. He told me he believed I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and I needed to find an endocrinologist. First I had to find a new primary care provider that would take my concerns seriously and once I found them they didn’t hesitate to refer me to an endocrinologist and then I had an endocrinologist that believed me as well! I was sent in to take a glucose tolerance test and after two very long weeks I finally got one of the most important phone calls I have ever received.. I had PCOS and my weight issues was nothing more than an over production of my naturally occurring insulin in my body. I remember breaking down and crying after I hung up the phone.. this entire time it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my parent’s fault, it wasn’t my choices, it was nothing I could have prevented or controlled without medication. I was told without treatment it wasn’t a matter of if, but when I would have become a diabetic dependent on synthetic insulin to live. I was humbled to say the least to hear the diagnosis. The endocrinologist prescribed me medication to help with my insulin production and the weight just melted off, six months into the treatment I was placed on second medication that helped me drop from a size 16 to size 10 in about a year since the diagnosis and it dramatically changed my quality of life… When you lose 50lbs in such a short amount of time you have so much you need to relearn about yourself when you’re hardwired to be the “fat girl”. This is what I learned…

1. You still dress like your old self

When I weighed 200lbs I always felt the need to hide my body and truth be told? I had gotten quite good at it. I love a good baggy sweatshirt or sweater with leggings, maybe spice it up with an oversized jean jacket and a big scarf to cover my front. I wore jeans or long dresses in the summer because I felt awkward wearing jeans when your body is shaped so full. I had a single style of a one pieced bathing suit that I bought in every color available. I had gotten very good at styling my thick hair and I perfected the winged eyeliner for my hooded eyes to help distract form my body, but when I weighed 155lbs I still found myself opting for that same go to look. I was afraid of trying new styles, I was still terrified of fitting rooms, and I hadn’t worn a crop top since I was a chubby four year old and it was still cute. To help me expand my closet I subscribed to clothing boxes to help me try out new styles to fit my new body and turns out.. I really loved cropped tops/ sweaters to help show off my waist and hips, I felt comfortable wearing jeans that hugged my butt, I WENT BIKINI SHOPPING. Instead of covering my arms with a jacket or sweater even when it was hot out, I started to show them off. I went out wearing sleeveless dresses and shirts, I wore dresses that were hemmed above the knee and I even bought a pair of jean shorts that showed off the bottoms of my butt cheeks (even it was only worn as a beach cover up). I donated about five industrial sized bags of clothes I no longer fit in and went on a shopping binge to revamp my wardrobe. I still love a good oversized sweater and leggings that will never change, but now I like to switch is up and maybe get a cropped oversized sweater, maybe even dare I say a pair of jeans with a cute little french tuck?

2. You won’t recognize yourself in the mirror for a while

I used to look at pictures of myself I felt like I was looking at a stranger, I didn’t recognize myself and I didn’t want to be that person I was seeing. But I found that losing weight didn’t make that problem go away, I felt like an imposter. I had this new body, a new wardrobe, and I felt like it would help me mold myself into the person I was destined to be but I just felt like I was pretending to be this person that I “wanted” to be. I would look at myself and my new body in the mirror and felt like an entirely new person. My boobs were smaller, my butt got a little smaller, and dyed my hair blonde like seriously who was this person. It took a lot of internal soul searching to help feel like myself again, a lot of looking in the mirror and really taking a look at who I had transformed into, and a lot of convincing myself that I was no longer the “fat girl” I was so used to describing myself.

3. It’s ok to eat what you want

I spent the better part of seventeen years restricting what I ate and mentally punishing myself if I “slipped up” and had that “bad food” that everyone else seemed to be able to enjoy. I reserved special occasions for guilt free eating such as Christmas day or my birthday where I decided I could eat whatever I wanted. Only a sliver of cake for me if I was at a birthday party, only one slice of pizza even though I wanted two. I was so preoccupied with counting calories and restricting foods from my diet thinking it would keep my weight in check, but instead it gave me a really poor relationship with food that took years to rebuild. It doesn’t matter what your jean size is.. You. Are. Allowed.To. Eat. What.You. Want. It’s ok to give into your cravings, eat that cake, order the nachos, get that second slice of pizza. Food is meant to be enjoyed, it brings friends and family together, it’s used to celebrate as well as fuel our bodies.. and our souls.

4. People don’t treat you like you’re invisible

I remember the first time I went out to the bars for the first time following my body transformation. I wore these tight straight legged jean, with this tight black long sleeve T-shirt, and my favorite Steve Madden boots. I was really pleased with how my hair and makeup was cooperating.. needless to say I was feeling myself that night and I was on a mission to get in trouble with my girlfriends. As the night progressed and the more I drank my vodka sodas, the more I was feeling myself. Maybe it was the confidence I had going into the night, maybe it was the five vodka sodas, but I was getting attention from men. I never used to get attention from the opposite sex before in the setting of a bar, and I went a little crazy with the knowledge that I was no longer invisible. I would go out drinking with my friends and dance with all different types of guys. I would make out with at least three guys each time I was out, but never take their number to call them, an absolute menace to society i was during that time. I loved the attention I was getting, it was very validating to me and made me feel like I had this power over them; I was in control of my own life for the first time. I had the confidence to reel them in and then throw them away when I grew bored of them. I was going on dates, i I flirt with people more, and I go out in public with so much more confidence than before.

5. It’s ok to feel yourself

Please read #4 again…

6. There will be pieces of your skin exposed to the sun that has never been exposed before

I once bought this one bikini that had these SUPER cheeky bottoms and when I say cheeky i’m saying my entire ass was out, it was a miracle they allowed me to sunbathe at the public beaches wearing it. On one of the first beach days of the summer of 2021 I decided to wear it to get myself a good base tan and I swear on my dogs life I was wearing sunscreen. I still got second degree burns on both my butt cheeks. To this day I still have a permanent tan line from that day and I’m embarrassed to say I did have to walk around the hospital caring for my patients and working with doctors holding ice packs to both my cheeks to keep the burn from stinging against my scrubs.

7. You try to take on a new identity

It’s impossible to lose a lot of weight and NOT want to change your appearance to match your new outlook on life. First I started with the blonde highlights, then I learned how to give myself a good blowout at home, started investing in good skincare products, got eyelash extensions (which were absolutely gorg until I had an allergic reaction and my eyes blew up like balloons), and lastly I took the plunge and got curtain bangs with the oh so trendy middle part. I was apprehensive to change so much so fast, but at the end of everything I wanted to look like the person I always wanted to be. I wanted to have the pretty skin, the well maintained hair, the pretty nails.. I wanted to feel like a grown up to go with this next phase of my life. And honestly i’m really happy I did because I kept everything up until present time (you know except the eyelash extensions because… you know can’t have my eyes swollen shut, but I have gotten really good at applying falsies LOL)

8. Dating feels easier

Again… Please refer to #4. Confidence is key.

9. You want to go out… like all the time

Maybe it was a healthy combination of making big girl nursing money, finding a group of friends that love to party, and feeling hot. Maybe it was my way of coming out as Kelsey 2.0, but any excuse to go out? I was there. Want to go to happy hour? out to dinner? watch the sunset? go shopping? I was there and I never said no. I would work a twelve hour shift at the hospital just to rush home, put on some makeup and a cute pair of jeans just to go out and meet friends for a drink at the bar. I wanted people to look at me, I wanted to have fun, I wanted to become that person that had the energy to do it all.

10. You start to live your life more authentically

I was so much more comfortable in my own skin at the end of the day. It felt like it was my rebirth as an adult with all this newfound confidence. I became so hungry for new experiences, I traveled more, tried to see friends more, I was just trying my best to live this new lease on life to its fullest. I felt beautiful and sexy for the first time in my adult life and I was so grateful to have experienced it so early on in my life so I could be totally immersed in my 20’s. I’m excited to see what this life still has in store for me. I want to continue to feel myself, meet more people, date more men, get closer to my friends, overall just enjoy the rest of my 20’s.