How to Survive a Situationship

When I first laid my eyes on you I knew I needed to have you in my life. I never used to believe in love at first sight until that moment when I saw you walk into the ballroom of the catering hall that was meant to only be a summer job for me after I graduated high school. I spent that entire summer counting the days until I would get to work with you next. You made laugh, feel safe, and wanted and very shortly you became my only friend at work. When the summer ended and I was about to start my semester of community college before transferring to what I thought was my dream school, I thought I would never see you again. But when I saw you outside the building on my second day I got the light back in my eyes, I gave you my number and we promised each other we would have a friend at school. We texted all day and all night every day after that, when we weren’t in class we were together either studying or going on friend dates to restaurants and coffee shops. One time you tried to kiss me when we were hanging out at aa park before my last class of the day and I know I bailed but I got so nervous my immediate reaction was to abort the mission, and I really did want to kiss you too. When you finally asked me out on a real date I was so nervous I spent the entire day tearing apart my closet so I could find the prettiest outfit for you even if it was just a movie.  We picked the the most boring movie, but it was honestly better that way because I couldn’t pay attention to the movie after I felt you grab my hand, and when you pulled me in for our first kiss I swear to God I saw fireworks. As the months passed I started to feel myself falling in love with every part of you. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me, I was vulnerable with you, when you told me you loved me I didn’t know how to feel because nobody had ever said that to me before. You treated me like a princess, took me out on meaningful dates ( even if we were just walking around coastal cities in the dead of winter talking until 2am freezing our asses off), wrote me beautiful love letters, brought me flowers “just because”. I introduced you to my grandmother thinking you would be here for the long haul and you brought me around your kid brothers and I really got close to them. The events leading up to our end were traumatizing to me. All the red flags I chose to ignore in the beginning came back to smack me in the face, and it left a mark. Your drinking and pills addiction was so scary to watch someone I loved deal with. I was your biggest supporter when you first became sober, I put up with a lot of shit with you, the things that were said to me, the things that were done. When you started acting shady with that “friend” from your class, I knew deep down it was over. I was so trusting at that time, I trusted you, your choices, I encouraged you make new friends, and it got thrown back in my face in the worst way possible. You told me I would never get into nursing school, I was dumb, crazy, overdramatic.. But looking back I wasn’t any of that. I asked you to see a therapist and expressed concerned for your mental wellbeing and you told me to “go f**k yourself” and proceeded to gaslight me. The way I was treated in the end broke me, actually it shattered me. I felt like I was a shell of a person after you were done with me. I could not wrap my head around how this person who was my best friend and made me feel so loved, so beautiful, and important to them could flip it around and take it away as quickly as you made me fall in love with you. I fell into a deep depression after you. I couldn’t sleep in my bed for over a week, I stopped going to class, I couldn’t leave my house. You broke up with me two days before Thanksgiving and I couldn’t even eat the beautiful meal my mother made because I would have thrown it all up, I cried on Christmas, and spent my winter break from college sleeping on my couch instead of spending time with my friends. You took things from me that I will NEVER get back and for me to say I have never been the same is an understatement. When you reached out to me years later saying you finally went to AA and you were making amends with those affected by your choices I had never felt so validated. I got apologies for things that I already decided I was never going to get, and I was OK with that. But when I got those apologies that meant the world to me. When I built up the courage to call you and thank you for what was said I asked you how you had been and everything I told you I was concerned about was true and you finally got the help you needed. All I could do when I hung up the phone was break down and mourn. Mourned my innocence, my trusting nature, and I mourned the girl I used to be. I know first loves aren’t meant to last forever but I wish mine didn’t have to end the way it ended. You made me grow up faster than I needed and I wish I could date as easily as before you. Dating used to be fun for me, but it became something that I dreaded and ultimately eliminated from my life completely. So with all that being said and done I wish you nothing but good heath and success in your future… And I will spend the rest of my life proving you and anyone else that ever doubted me wrong.